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Sustainable Living and Green Building Resource for Western North Carolina :: HUMOR :: FOREST AND TOSCA :: Episode 3: Tosca Goes Hooping! 'Forest and Tosca' Episode 3 Tosca Goes Hooping! By Peter Loewer Copyright 2008 Peter Loewer “Forest,” said Tosca, with a decided clutch in her throat, “I have an errand for you, but please, oh, please do not use the Hummer. We must conserve, not only for our future lives together, but also for our two wunderkinds.” She directed a laser beam of love at Jason and Pixie, who were playing at her sandaled feet. They had just returned from the care of their aunt while Forest and her had taken that necessary trip to relax in their timeshare in Rome, not two blocks from the Coliseum. “Wherefore my dearest?” asked Forest, as he looked up from his just-received issue of The Cigar. “And if you insist I shall for the foreseeable future use the Lexus and hang the Hummer keys at the back end of your Sex and the City closet,” the reference being to the size of Tosca’s home for shoes and such, its size far in excess of anything ever maintained by Imelda Marcos and her myriad shelves of footwear. “But,” he continued, “Why must I leave the bosom of my delight and go out on an errand in this less than perfect world?” “Because,” she replied, aiming a swift glance at the new dining salon with its various light fixtures made of miniature deer antlers, each pair holding electric candles ready to be dimmed for the proper mood, “I’ve decided that our fabulous home with its sixteen foot ceilings and its themed rooms that would fill a Pasha’s heart with jealous desires requires me to redecorate our bedroom. And to begin I need the largest embroidery hoops you can find.” “Hoops?” “Yes, my love, hoops that are circular, made of wood--because I cannot abide plastic, and will hold aloft cascading sheets of misty cloth to enclose us head to toe with protection against mosquitoes and what they might bring through the open windows to our happy home.” Forest looked slightly perplexed and, glancing to his children for support, found none from that quarter. So shouldering the keys to the Lexus, he set off for one of the nobler craft houses in the Asheville area. He had forgotten the name of the place. Yet he knew -- both by instinct and his nose -- that craft stores are insidious for their craft aroma, a chemical mix of artificial scents based on a misreading of floriculture. After all, the most powerful smell of boxwood has the distinct perfume of a fox’s den -- and using as the base smell (after all, if the word fits, use it) a derivation of time-worn Evening in Paris Par fume -- found his way and parked his car outside of the most incredible salute to faux, Michelle’s art salon. Once within this bazaar of the bizarre (and being a male he refused to ask the location of hoops), Forest wandered aisle after aisle passing ladies of current fashion in their search of decorative delights to brighten dullish homes, and conical containers full of the most faux flowers of all in a world of faux, until by accident he saw a sign that simply said: To Hoop Or Not To Hoop! And there he found wooden hoops (up to 166 inches in circumference) made to fashion hoop skirts for Southern Ladies who wished to construct glorious hoop skirts in a salute to Scarlet O’Hara and her abode called Tara. “Done!” he said with fervor and used his AmEx card. (He was slightly embarrassed by this transaction and chose not to use his Capitol One credit.) He loaded the hoops in the back of his efficient SUV. Quickly, he drove back to his top-of-the-mountain retreat and his beloved Tosca. Tosca sat in the middle of the living room floor of matched marble squares from a select quarry outside of Brandon, Missouri. Her dainty feet were tucked up beneath her skirt made of Bloomingdale all-silk gentlemen’s ties that Forest had worn more than three times. She was busily working on a new bedroom chair made from pre-fashioned wood, distinctive as it was, marketed as being chewed by genuine beavers. It was so necessary to the new and romantic look the bedroom demanded. “Forest,” she squealed, “those hoops are perfecto …” He loved when she spoke Spanish. ”… and, by dinnertime, I will have the first of the floor-to-ceiling nets to protect us from parasitic diseases. But go and brew some fresh coffee from those wonderful Tierra del Fuego plantations. The very aroma will hasten my craftsman’s hands, and this chair will be complete.” By early evening when the sun descended over what was left of the mountains around Asheville, Tosca stood over her creations. They included her dressing table chair made from beaver-gnawed wood, gathered during the week of Jason’s birth and stored in her fabulous closet ‘till now. “Oh, Tosca,” said Forest, looking at the hoops and all other creations around him, “it is too grand!” “Yes,” she said with a sigh, “too, true!” And the children of tomorrow played at her feet. Tgh8ft3toscagoeshoopingbb1rev1
NEXT EPISODE OF 'FOREST AND TOSCA' ABOUT FOREST AND TOSCA (AND PETER, TOO) The ongoing Forest and Tosca parody series is written by Peter Loewer, one of America's top authors and illustrators of all things botanical. Peter Loewer is a popular illustrator, printmaker, writer, author of over 30 books, radio personality and activist. He is based in Asheville, North Carolina, and lives amidst the trees of Kennilworth over-looking a small lake and his partially hidden neighbors. Forest and Tosca is a parody about two privileged people of the upper crust who enjoy the finer things in life, including fine art, fine wine, fine mountain vistas, and the fineness of their love for each other and themselves. The first episode of Forest and Tosca, entitled "The Fog Descends," was published for the first time on TheWildGardener.com. It is part of a larger composition with the working title, "On the Green Road with Forest and Tosca." SYNDICATED WEBSITE RADIO EMAIL tgh8thewildgardenerforestandtoscachap1bb1 |
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